


Terminal Diagnosis (NOT a death fic)

by Despina



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: M/M, M/M smut. Swearing. Biting.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-08
Updated: 2011-02-08
Packaged: 2017-10-15 12:45:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/160948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Despina/pseuds/Despina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Booze, poker, and women just can't hold Gojyo's interest like they used to and his old way of life seems to be dying.  He knows why, but before he can accept it, he needs to work through a few issues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Stage one: Denial

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to my beta the awesome Whymz and to the Merciful Goddess. I did try to work with the prompt: "Fuck me or die" and this is what I ended up with.
> 
> And because I can't read instructions, the last chapter is different than what was posted to Yuletide Smut.

Stage one: Denial

 

After four weeks, the words still reverberated inside Gojyo's head like an echo bouncing through a mountain pass. He should be over this by now.

 _"Sha Gojyo, I can't believe it. You—"_

"Gojyo?" Hakkai's soft voice had an edge of concern, breaking through Gojyo's thoughts. "Are you all right?"

"Huh? Yeah, I'm fine." Gojyo looked up, catching Hakkai's thoughtful frown just as his cigarette burned his fingers. "Ow! Fuck." He stubbed out his smoke in the nearest ashtray and felt, rather than saw, Sanzo's judgmental scowl. Gojyo was too raw of late to put up with that smarmy bastard's comments, even the unspoken ones.

"You've been acting strange for awhile now." Hakkai touched Gojyo's forehead. "Are you sick?"

Trying to break contact with Hakkai's hand, Gojyo stood up. "I'm going out."

"Ah." Hakkai stepped away, giving Gojyo more space. "Yes, of course. We'll eat in a couple of hours."

"Hours?" Goku whined. He was sitting backwards in a chair, his arms draped over the back, chin propped up on the edge. "That's so far away."

"You just had a snack." Sanzo lit up a cigarette and looked over the top of his glasses at Goku. "And earlier you ate a mountain of sweets."

"I know, but it's not like that was a meal. And I'm already hungry again!"

"The inn owners are allowing me to use the kitchen tonight," Hakkai said, looking pointedly at Gojyo. "I've managed to get some pork."

Pork. That was Hakkai code for katsudon, one of Gojyo's favorite meals. Coincidentally, Hakkai had made the same thing that night Gojyo had met up with Sai.

 _"Sha Gojyo, I can't believe it. You're --"_

He felt like someone was squeezing his chest. Gojyo had to get out. Now. "I'll be back later."

The town was just like any other town they'd been through, so the bar he found was like a hundred or maybe a thousand he'd been in before. The women here were ridiculously easy to read. And the card game was even more predictable. He felt like his life -- no, his lifestyle -- was dying by nightly increments. He'd been hanging on to what he knew, living it, and relishing it even. Up until now, the bars, cards, and women had made the journey bearable, comforting routines where he knew the rules and what was expected. But lately, that had started to come apart.

"Fuck," he muttered and took a deep drink of his beer, his thoughts returning once again to Sai.

Almost a month ago, they'd stopped in a large town and taken a rare day off from traveling. Hakuryuu had required a rest, and Hakkai had put his foot down about it. Sanzo had reluctantly agreed, although technically, he'd really had no say in the matter.

There'd been gambling establishments everywhere in town, so Gojyo had indulged himself. He'd wandered from place to place, cleaning up at cards and subsequently giving away a large portion of his winnings in drinks and tips. The girls had flocked to him, as they always did, and he felt as if no time had passed since his days in his old home.

And then, Sai had walked in.

 

 

"Is that Sha Gojyo?"

"Sai? Holy fuck." Gojyo waved at an empty chair. "Sit down."

She gave him a kiss and then sat down next to him. "I can't believe it."

She was tall, long-legged, and busty, with dark hair and dark eyes. She'd been a personal favorite of Gojyo's in the past, and he was happy to see her. "You look great. How long has it been?"

"Two years, at least," she said.

He raised two fingers at a passing server. Sitting up, he placed his elbows on the table and crossed his arms before he asked, "What are you doing here?"

"Simple. I followed a good-for-nothing here and then he dumped me."

"Ah, that sucks." Gojyo frowned. "Sorry, honey."

"It's not so bad." She crossed her legs and sat back. "I've done well here. I have a good job and am happy for the most part."

"That's good."

She picked up her freshly delivered beer and took a healthy drink. Making a contented sound, she set the glass back down and asked, "What about you?"

"Me and three other guys are headed west to save the world." Gojyo winked.

"So you're sayin' we're all screwed, then?" Sai laughed.

"Pretty much." Gojyo took a drink. It was easy talking with Sai, easy to fall back into the comfortable pattern.

"Are you traveling with that guy you took in?" She folded her arms on the table. "Hakkai, right?"

Gojyo wiped his mouth. "Yeah."

She smiled. "I figured you'd stay by his side."

"What makes you say that?" Gojyo asked. For some reason, warning bells had started ringing in his head.

"Huh," she said as shook her head. "You were always just a little different after he showed up. Devoted. Something that I didn't think was in your vocabulary."

Gojyo shifted in his chair and lit a cigarette. He didn't like the direction their conversation was headed. Looking intently around the room, he saw servers, dancers, and card dealers. "This is a really busy place. What kind of work do you do here?"

"What?" She blinked in confusion before she said, "Oh, you're still the same, I see. So guarded."

He opened his mouth to protest, remembering just how sharp she was.

"You could always move the conversation away from anything personal about you. It's a great skill. I don't think anyone in our old town knew anything about you. I knew more about that slimeball Banri, and I avoided him like the plague." She took another drink, almost emptying her glass.

Gojyo realized that the comfort he'd experienced at the beginning of their conversation was completely gone now. He took a drag of his cigarette and thought about leaving. Katsudon was sounding better and better.

"Gojyo? Are you listening?"

"Yeah."

Sai frowned and became very serious. "To answer your question, I'm a card dealer here."

"Yeah? Good money?"

"Of course." She moved her chair closer and wrapped her arm around his shoulder. "And I'm good at cards, thanks to you."

"Glad I was good for something." He took a deep drag and thoughts of Hakkai in a kitchen also drifted through his head.

"Oh, you were good for several things, as I recall," Sai said as she pressed her breasts against his arm.

"Yeah?"

"Oh, yeah," she breathed in his ear. Under the table, she ran her hand up the inside of his thigh.

Gojyo considered her hand on his leg and her breath on his neck. "Well, they might not be the best skills, but they're all I have."

"You liked me, too, didn’t you." It was a statement, not a question.

"Well, yeah."

Sai licked at his ear and squeezed the inside of Gojyo's thigh. "My room is upstairs. Care to join me?"

Gojyo hesitated as he thought about dinner. Hakkai wouldn't mind if Gojyo was a little late, and it'd been a while since he'd been with anyone. And she'd been a personal favorite for more than one reason. "Yeah, sure."

She stood up. Her sparkly black dress was very tight and looked very good on her, but Gojyo's thoughts didn't stay focused on her. Random snippets of sense-memories floated through his head: the warmth in a kitchen, the soothing sound of Hakkai chopping vegetables, and the mouth-watering scent of cooking food.

"Well?"

What was he waiting for? Gojyo pushed the thoughts away and threw money on the table for the drinks. Standing up, he asked, "Which way?"

Sai took his hand and led him through the building. They stepped outside. "There's a side entrance to the rooms."

Gojyo nodded and followed her. He didn't know why, but he felt wrong.

"Oh, my silly shoe is untied, hang on a minute." She stopped just in front of Gojyo and bent over to retie the laces around her ankles.

Normally, Gojyo would have enjoyed her obvious ploy to tease him, but in this case, his attention was derailed. Instead of ogling her shapely ass, he focused on the back of her head. When she'd leaned over, a cascade of brown hair tumbled over her shoulders, creating a perfect part down the back of her head.

Gojyo froze as he stared at the thin line of pale skin dividing Sai's hair. Memories hit him with force: a bridge and a quiet conversation with Hakkai. Confusion roiled inside him, and at the edge of his peripheral vision, he saw his raised hand, seeming to be moving of its own accord, reaching toward the part in the dark hair.

Sai straightened, tossing her long locks over her shoulders, dispelling the illusion. Gojyo took a hasty step backwards and her eyes widened.

Gojyo cleared his throat. "You know, I have this dinner thing --"

"Really?" She crossed her arms and continued, "And you just remembered?"

Reaching deep inside, Gojyo shook his floundering charm to life and smiled. "Hey, I'm a busy man, babe."

"Your dinner is with Hakkai, right?"

Gojyo didn't answer.

Sai raised an eyebrow, and her words came out bitter and harsh, "Sha Gojyo, I can't believe it. You're actually in love with him, aren't you?"

 

 

Loud music blared somewhere behind Gojyo and he started, crashing back into the here and now. He was alone and in a bar, clutching his now-empty glass.

He'd left Sai in a hurry that day, but he hadn't returned to Hakkai. Instead, he'd found the nearest barstool and drunk himself stupid. The following day had been miserable as he fought both a hangover and Hakkai's displeasure over his missing dinner. And since then, Gojyo'd gone out of his way to go back to his old ways -- drinking, partying, and sleeping around.

Only the sleeping around bit wasn't working out so well. It wasn't that he couldn't; he just didn't want to. He spent more time making excuses about leaving than wooing his latest partner. And then when he did, the sex was … unsatisfying.

Something was fundamentally wrong with him, and it wasn't the usual kind of wrong like a cold or a fever -- those went away after a while. This was so much worse. His rampant libido, born from his water sprite heritage, was failing him.

 _"You're actually in love with him, aren't you?"_

But he wasn't. He loved Hakkai like a brother, sure. But love him in the way Sai meant? Nah.

He ran his finger over the condensation on his glass, remembering his desperate fear when he thought Hakkai was going to die after fighting the Seiten Taisei. His rabid, territorial reaction to Hazel had been natural. Hakkai was his friend, his best friend.

And that was all.

The server picked up Gojyo's empty glass. "Hey, you want another one?"

"Yeah, one more." One more and then Gojyo would find himself a hottie to spend the night with. That would solve everything. Of course, if he did that, he would miss Hakkai's katsudon again.

No, this was more important. He would fix himself and everything would go back to the way it'd always been. That would make Hakkai happy, too. Simple. Gojyo scanned the room, idly playing with his lighter, opening and closing the lid. He realized that all the girls were too curvy. He'd liked his girls ample before, but lately, he liked them thinner, even a little on the bony side. Snapping the lid closed one more time, he set the lighter back on top of his cigarette pack. No one here piqued his interest and he considered going somewhere else.

"You know," the young man began when he returned with Gojyo's drink, "if you're interested, my shift ends in about half an hour."

Gojyo looked at his server. He was willowy and lithe with longish hair that fell over his right eye. Now, this guy was hot. Leaning one elbow on the bar Gojyo said, "What's your name?"

"Sato."

"Yeah, okay." Gojyo nodded. "Come on back when your shift is done. I'll be here."

Later, in the room he had rented, Gojyo rolled over and watched Sato dress with exaggerated care. He was trying to tempt Gojyo once again, but it wasn't working. Instead, Gojyo sat up, lit another cigarette, and wondered how long it would take Sato to leave.

This definitely wasn't normal. Usually Gojyo was the one dressing, the one smirking, the one sauntering half-naked about the room and teasing his latest partner with the possibility of more. Instead, he was still in bed with a phony smile plastered on his face, wishing Sato gone.

He barely registered the sound of the room door closing when Sato left. He flopped onto his back and placed the ashtray on his stomach, watching the cigarette's white smoke meander toward the ceiling, eventually to dissipate into nothingness. He thought about what had just happened -- or hadn't happened.

He'd slept with a few guys before; that wasn't the problem. Women, men, it was mostly all the same when it came to sex and he'd never needed any sort of help until now. What really bothered him about this encounter was that he'd had to fantasize in order to get off.

And his fantasy has been about Hakkai.

They'd been roommates for years, and Gojyo was smart enough to know when you lived with someone, sometimes you saw things you weren't meant to see. One night, after Gojyo had taken an unusual thrashing at cards, he'd quit early and come home. He'd always tried to be quiet when he entered the house in case Hakkai was asleep. But if the bedroom light was still on, Hakkai was usually reading, and Gojyo would pop in to talk for a few minutes. Only on this particular night, he'd found Hakkai in bed, but he certainly didn’t have a book in his hand. Gojyo had backed out of the room, apologizing profusely. Hakkai had seemed oddly amused by the encounter, but then again, reading Hakkai was tricky business.

Even so, that image of a masturbating Hakkai was what Gojyo had used to get himself off tonight. Crap. He couldn't deny his feelings anymore.

"Fuck it," he growled as he got up and headed for the shower. If he didn't hurry, he'd miss dinner completely.


	2. Stage Two: Anger

**Terminal Diagnosis**

**Stage Two: Anger**

Gojyo shook his head, clearing his vision. He felt blood trickling down the side of his face from where Goku's nyoi-bo had grazed his temple.

"Damn it, monkey, you're gonna pay for that." Gojyo swung his shakujo, chain rattling free as he aimed for Goku.

"You freaking started it, ya pervy cockroach!" Goku shouted as he dodged the flying blade and then crouched down as he tracked its circular trajectory. "I thought we were just practicing; I didn't know this was to the death!"

"Don't be stupid." Gojyo twisted the staff and leaned back, coaxing the chain to the left. Power from the almost-sentient weapon surged through Gojyo's nerve endings, heightening his senses and feeding his anger.

"You're the stupid one." Goku twirled the nyoi-bo and speared the moving links, swinging the staff to the ground and stomping on the shakujo chain. Goku's eyes were full of fire as he glared at Gojyo and asked, "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"You're what's wrong," Gojyo snarled. "I thought you wanted to practice, not play kiddy games."

Goku's brow furrowed. "Shut up. I can mop the floor with you any day of the week and you know it."

"Yeah?" Gojyo jerked on the shakujo's chain, causing Goku to sway. "Then prove it, runt. I dare you."

Stepping off the chain, Goku nodded. "Have it your way, ya loser."

Goku was difficult to piss off, and it had taken Gojyo a long time to get the twerp to this point. The chain and blade snicked back into the shakujo's housing as Goku twirled the nyoi-bo with focused intent. This was exactly what Gojyo wanted -- a full-on brawl. They hadn't seen any youkai of late, but Gojyo didn't think that would've mattered anyway. Goku would give him a fight since regular youkai barely made them break a sweat anymore.

After that, the only sounds Gojyo heard were the shuffling of feet, their labored breathing, and clank of chain and blade encountering the nyoi-bo. Step, slide, swing. Gojyo's arms and legs ached, and his lungs burned with exertion, but he didn't feel tired.

Dodge, parry, block. Perspiration trickled down Gojyo's back, and he could feel strands hair sticking to his neck. He needed this, he was --

The nyoi-bo almost made contact and Gojyo leaned back, curving his spine just enough to avoid a smack in the face.

Gojyo's burning anger, something he didn't have a lot of experience with, seemed to be taking over his life. Today, he'd already snapped at Sanzo and glared at Hakkai, and now he was sparring with Goku, pushing him to the brink of fury. Gojyo couldn't seem to get a grip on himself.

And apparently, he wasn't the only one to recognize he was a bit off.

Goku ducked as the crescent-shaped blade sailed over his head. "Hey, cut it out! I don't wanna hurt you, ya know, but I will."

They both knew Goku could do it, but Gojyo wasn't in a place where he could be reasoned with. His breathing evened and he focused, watching Goku's movements closely. If he could just get the best of Goku once, then maybe they would have respect for him. He wouldn't have to explain anything – they would just leave him alone.

Gojyo saw an opening and he took it. Goku feinted to one side and Gojyo struck at the other, extending his arm and willing the chain to wrap around Goku's legs. Once Goku was down, the fight would be over.

But too late, Gojyo realized he'd been played. Goku leapt into the air, sailing over the moving chain and blade, nyoi-bo braced and poised to strike Gojyo's head. They both saw what was happening, but it was too late for either of them to correct their mistake. Gojyo sighed with defeat and closed his eyes, glad for the coming blow. Maybe it would knock some sense back into him.

Gojyo heard a thudding sound but didn't feel the contact. He cracked a single eye open and saw a yellowish-green glow around him. He opened the other one to see Hakkai standing in front of him. Great. That was exactly what he didn't need.

Hakkai's protective qi repelled Goku back, and he landed on his ass a few feet away.

The glow disappeared, and Goku jumped up and grinned. "That was lucky, huh, Gojyo? I almost spilled your brains on the ground, but Hakkai saved you."

Gojyo ground his teeth.

"Gojyo, you're bleeding." Hakkai's voice sounded puzzled and maybe a little annoyed. "Goku, you should've been more careful."

"It wasn't my idea. Gojyo's a little crazy right now! Somethin' weird is going on with him." Goku frowned as his nyoi-bo disappeared. He lifted his shirt and exposed a purpling patch of skin on his side. "See what he did to me!"

Hakkai exhaled with exasperation. "Really, you two. Goku, sit over there -- I'll tend to your bruises in a moment."

"Okay." Goku hopped onto a pile of rocks and sat down.

"Gojyo," Hakkai faced him, "what is going on with you?"

Gojyo stared at Hakkai's fine, delicate features and that fucked-up mop of hair he had. His eyes were so green they didn't seem natural. And the brain tucked behind them was working; Gojyo could see that, too. Hakkai was trying to understand, trying to formulate a fix to whatever problem Gojyo had.

Gojyo's shakujo was still in his hands. The end of the weapon was on the ground by his feet, and he angled the length across his body as he locked gazes with Hakkai.

Hakkai had come uninvited into Gojyo's life and turned everything on its head. Gojyo was just trying to be nice when he'd initially brought Hakkai home; he hadn't been asking for a change in his lifestyle. Gojyo had liked the way he was. But now his frivolous and uncomplicated life was slipping away.

No, it was already gone.

And all because of Hakkai. He clutched his shakujo in a white-knuckled grip.

"Gojyo?"

"Nothing's going on with me. You guys are imagining things." He released his shakujo and it melted away, leaving his hand feeling empty and a little too warm.

"As you wish." Hakkai sighed in resignation and lifted his hand. "Well, let me heal your wound at least."

Hakkai reached for Gojyo, the spark of qi already flowing from his fingers. Gojyo swallowed and experienced a moment of panic. Sometimes, Hakkai could sense things when he healed people, especially with people he knew well. And though Gojyo wanted it, he couldn't allow Hakkai's soothing touch. Hakkai might read Gojyo's anger -- and possibly more.

"Damn it, don't." Gojyo grabbed Hakkai's wrist. "I didn't ask you to heal me."

"What?" Hakkai face darkened as he pulled away his hand and rubbed at his wrist. "Oh. I think I see."

"No, you don't." Fury filled Gojyo. Not only did he have to refuse Hakkai's touch, there was no one else he could go to instead because Hakkai was all he wanted. Gojyo felt like a dog chasing its tail. He hadn't wanted or asked to feel this way about Hakkai, but here he was, struggling with it all alone. It wasn't fucking fair.

"Whoa, dude, that was harsh," Goku said from his pile of rocks. "You shouldn't talk to Hakkai like that."

"Shut up," Gojyo snapped as he wiped away the blood that still ran down the side of his face. He glared at Hakkai. "And no one asked you to help me earlier."

For a flickering moment, Hakkai's body language radiated a jumble of true emotions -- surprise, disapproval, anger, and pain. Gojyo felt physically sick. How could he have just said all that? Had he meant to hurt Hakkai?

He had. And if he stayed, he would do even more damage. Gojyo turned and walked away.

Behind him, he heard Hakkai's tight, clipped voice. "Dinner will be soon, don't miss it."

But what Goku said was far more to the point: "Jeez, what a dick."

Gojyo couldn't have agreed more.


	3. Stage Three: Bargaining

**Terminal Diagnosis**

 **Stage Three: Bargaining**

Gojyo ran a hand through his hair as he looked inside the inn's common room. Sanzo was there smoking and reading the local newspaper. Goku was outside playing with some kids, and Hakkai was shopping. If Gojyo was going to do this, now was the time.

Straightening his back, he took a step through the open doorway. He hesitated again, feeling his resolve slipping away and wondering if he was losing his mind.

Sanzo didn't look up when he asked, "What do you want?"

Gojyo shrugged off his doubts. He walked across the room and sat down at the table with Sanzo. After a moment, Gojyo lit a cigarette and leaned back in his chair.

Sanzo ignored Gojyo as he turned a page.

"So," Gojyo began, staring at a really bad watercolor painting on the wall, "just how do you go about becoming a monk? I mean, can anyone join up? I know you were sort of drafted as a kid, but that's not how it works for everyone, right?"

"Anyone can join." Sanzo took a deep drag and kept reading his paper. "But it helps if you believe."

"Oh. Yeah, I guess there would be that." Gojyo rubbed his chin. The painting was of a landscape, possibly a cemetery. Or it maybe it was a slug on a leaf. He shifted in his chair. Believing. Huh. He hadn't thought about actually believing. Sanzo's belief system wasn't actually brimming with reverence for Buddha, but then again, Gojyo was certain that Sanzo was an exception to the general rule of monks. Gojyo probably wouldn't get the same leeway if he joined up.

Sanzo folded down an edge of his paper and looked over the top of his glasses. He frowned. "Why do you ask?"

"No reason, I was just curious."

"Huh." Sanzo shook the paper, straightening it out again and disappearing behind newsprint. "Well, it wouldn't help you, anyway."

"Who said anything about me?" Gojyo let his head loll back and he examined a stain on the ceiling. There was no point in denying it. Goku had probably already put it together and told Sanzo. The little monkey was sharp when he wanted to be. "But you're probably right."

Sanzo put out his cigarette. "And you'd have to shave your head."

Gojyo definitely wouldn't like shaving his head. He sighed with resignation. "So, you don't think there's anything to that whole virtuous life thing?"

"Like what?"

Gojyo was mildly surprised at Sanzo's tolerance for questions. He was being almost kind to Gojyo. It was kind of creepy. "You know, I thought if you started living clean, like doing all the right things, then the path you're on can change."

Sanzo folded up his paper and took off his glasses. "Are you a fucking idiot?"

"Look," Gojyo said, as he sat up and felt his desperation swell, "I know you're all about 'see the Buddha, kill the Buddha,' but that's not everyone. This religion thing must work for some people, otherwise --"

Sanzo tossed the paper on the table and hissed, "Otherwise, what? If you start praying and burning incense, do you really think your life will change? Do you think that whatever you've done will just disappear? You think you can chant a few sutras and your life will just magically transform into rainbows and sunshine?"

"It's not like that."

Sanzo glared at him. "We don't need someone who can't stay focused. You're disrupting us all, especially Hakkai."

Gojyo winced.

Sanzo voice was low and full of warning when he said, "Just deal with it or get lost already."

"Shitty monk," Gojyo snapped as he jumped to his feet and reached across the table for Sanzo's neck.

"Gojyo, are you at it again?"

Gojyo turned to see Hakkai standing in the doorway. He held two paper sacks overflowing with vegetables.

"Uh, I was --"

"Well, if you're that bored, you can help me in the kitchen," Hakkai said.

"Oh." Gojyo released Sanzo's shirt and straightened. "Okay."

As he followed Hakkai out of the room, he heard Sanzo _tch_ and then the sound of a lighter and a newspaper opening.

When they got to the kitchen, Hakkai put on his apron and found an evil looking knife. He gave Gojyo a smaller knife and the task of peeling water chestnuts. Hakkai went to work, quickly cutting up onions and cabbage; the repetitive sound of the knife striking the cutting board was strangely soothing.

After several minutes, Hakkai asked, "So what were you discussing with Sanzo?"

It seemed to take forever to peel one water chestnut. "Um, if living a virtuous life can change the path you're on."

"Ah, of course." Hakkai's voice took on an edge of amusement as he removed a bunch of snap peas from the bag and washed them off. "That explains why you were trying to choke him."

"Well, you know, Sanzo always brings out the best in me."

Hakkai made a happy sound. "Yes. I'm afraid he brings out the best in many people."

Gojyo smiled, feeling more comfortable than he had in weeks. He peeled three more water chestnuts before he asked, "So, what do you think about living a virtuous life? Do you think that can make a difference?"

Hakkai's vegetable chopping paused. "I find your questions out of character."

"Yeah? Why?" Gojyo held out the finished water chestnuts.

"I suppose because you've never struck me as particularly religious." Hakkai gave Gojyo a true smile and reached for the peeled chestnuts. Warmth from Hakkai's fingers transferred to Gojyo where they touched. "You can't be surprised by that, can you?"

Gojyo chewed on his lip, still feeling a tingle where Hakkai had touched him. "I suppose not. Just lately, I've been thinking if I changed my ways if life would … I dunno, maybe reset. Maybe I could accept things easier."

"I see." Hakkai finished chopping. He washed his hands and the knife. As he was drying the knife, he turned to face Gojyo. Hakkai's expression was closed off and completely unreadable when he said, "Is there anything in particular that you want changed?"

Gojyo's nerve-endings were responding to Hakkai -- all of Hakkai. Standing there with his apron on and the knife in his hand, Hakkai was dangerously hot. If he knew Gojyo was having wet dreams about him, how would he handle it? Would he be uncomfortable? Would he make that little forced laugh of his and slide into avoidance? Gojyo glanced at the knife and wondered.

Maybe. Sometimes, like right now, Hakkai _looked_ at him, but Gojyo didn't know if that meant anything special. Gojyo was probably projecting his own feelings onto Hakkai. Projecting. Hakkai had taught him about that kind of stuff.

"Gojyo?"

Gojyo shook his head. "You know, when I really think about it, there isn't anything I'd want to change. If I led a virtuous life, I couldn't be on this journey, could I?"

"No, you couldn't." Hakkai laughed. "I believe we are on the opposite end of the spectrum from virtuous."

"Yeah." Gojyo looked into the bag of food, wondering if he should help with anything else. "And if I wasn't with you, I'd be -- I dunno, kind of empty, I think."

The room fell silent and Gojyo's words replayed in his head. He looked deeper in the bag and reached inside. _Oh, shit_.

Hakkai's voice was flat and colored with his teacher tone when he said, "Gojyo --"

Gojyo wouldn't be able to stand hearing a rejection. Not yet.

He snatched his hand from the bag, but his sleeve caught on the paper's edge and tipped the sack off the counter. Gojyo grabbed for the tumbling bag only to tangle his hands with Hakkai's -- who was also trying to rescue the falling groceries. Together, they returned the bag to the counter.

They stood next to one another. Hakkai's unspoken words hung so heavy in the room Gojyo thought the silence would crush him.

"Well, I think I need a smoke break," Gojyo said as he fumbled in his pockets looking for his cigarettes. "I'll be, you know, outside."

He practically ran for the door. How could he have been so stupid? After months of keeping it to himself, how could he just blurt out something like that? A few simple words and he'd managed to put his relationship with Hakkai at risk.

Lighting a cigarette, he felt his thoughts sink, knowing that things would never be the same between him and Hakkai. He'd changed that forever.

"Fuck," he whispered. He stared up at the twilit sky. As stars winked to life, he wondered what would happen next.


	4. Stage Four: Depression

**Terminal Diagnosis**

 **Stage Four: Depression**

 

Trees and undergrowth passed by Gojyo in blurs of green, yellow, and brown. Wind tousled hair into his eyes, but he didn't push it away. Distantly, he knew Goku was speaking, but Gojyo didn't even try to make sense of the sounds; that would've required too much energy. Instead, he watched the blur of colors through the veil of his red hair. His mind was empty, too exhausted to concentrate on anything anymore. He was so tired.

Gojyo closed his eyes and eventually -- thankfully -- sleep enveloped him. It didn't come to him at night anymore. Nights were spent staring at ceilings and smoking. He didn't bother going out anymore. What difference would it make? That life was already past tense.

"Gojyo?"

He opened his eyes to see a frowning Hakkai. Gokyo sat up and realized Jeep was parked. They'd arrived at wherever they'd arrived. Gojyo didn't need to know the name of the town. They'd be gone again soon enough.

He got out, dimly aware of Hakkai's scrutiny.

"You have to eat tonight, Gojyo." Hakkai's voice sounded clipped and tight. "And you need to shave."

Hakkai wasn't kind to Gojyo anymore. He was downright bitchy. Gojyo suspected Sanzo had talked to him. But then, that didn't really sound like something Sanzo would do, since he normally preferred to stay out of messy emotional situations. Maybe Goku had said something. More likely, Hakkai's change in attitude probably had to do with their conversation in the kitchen a few weeks earlier. Yeah, it was probably that.

"We're sharing a room," Hakkai said.

"Yeah. Okay." Gojyo got out of the Jeep and staggered a bit. He really wanted to go inside and get into bed, but Hakkai would just badger him if he did.

Hakkai grabbed a few items out of the Jeep. His voice contained a hopeful note when he said, "We were lucky to find rooms; the town is getting ready for a festival."

"Yeah?" Gojyo tried to get his dull, fuzzy thoughts to focus.

"Yes." Hakkai furrowed his brow. "You should enjoy yourself tonight. There will be food, people, parties and poker. Women. There are even supposed to be fireworks."

"Really?" He tried to sound interested, after all, that's what Hakkai wanted to hear, but a festival was the last thing Gojyo wanted. "Then maybe I'll take a walk and check it out."

Hakkai slung a pack over his shoulder. "Good, you've locked yourself up too much of late. I think seeing other people might be good for you."

"Yeah, okay."

"Gojyo, dinner will be in an hour. Don't miss it," Hakkai said with a heavy sigh. "Again."

"Yeah, yeah." Gojyo wandered off, and once he was out of sight of the inn, he immediately headed away from town. He found a neglected pathway, nearly hidden with overgrown weeds. He followed it into a nearby forest and down a small ravine to the edge of a stream. There he found a soft, cushy patch of moss and grass that he curled up on, quickly drifting off to sleep.

He woke up with the vague stirrings of alarm, and found himself surrounded by youkai.

"Ah, hell, I was just getting some good sleep, too," he croaked as he got to his feet. His limbs felt so heavy. "I guess you guys wanna fight."

One of the youkai growled and then leapt at Gojyo. He took a lackadaisical sidestep and held out his hand, summoning his shakujo.

It didn't appear.

Another youkai lunged at Gojyo and he took a few steps back, tripping the guy on his way past and giving him a push on the way down. Gojyo concentrated and reached for his weapon, but his hand remained stubbornly empty.

Two of the youkai looked at each other and then jumped Gojyo at the same time. They both grabbed at him, but he managed to punch one, knocking him off his feet. The other wrapped his hands around Gojyo's body and bit him on his shoulder.

"Hey, now, biting's not the way to begin a date," Gojyo said as he untangled his arms. His hands now free, he grabbed the youkai's head and twisted, breaking his neck. "You should've bought me dinner first."

Gojyo stumbled back, scanning the number of opponents. Without his weapon, he was sure there were too many for him. His heartbeat was loud in his ears, and for the first time in weeks, he actually registered an emotion. Yeah, okay, it was fear -- not all that helpful as far as emotion went, but it did wake him up.

Six of them advanced on him, reaching for him, when the one closest to him took a banishing bullet to the head. The youkai crumbled, coming apart like a puzzle and then disappearing altogether.

"Get out of there, Gojyo!" A qi blast knocked two other nearby assailants into nothingness.

Gojyo felt embarrassed relief wash over him.

"Geez, you really are helpless, aren’t ya?" Goku said as he landed next to Gojyo. "Are ya sick or somethin'?"

"Shut up, squirt." Gojyo reached, adrenalin pumping through his veins as his shakujo finally materialized in his hand. He wanted to cheer. "I'll show you who's helpless!"

There was a swarm of youkai, but the four of them had been itching for a fight, so they made quick work of it. After it was over, Gojyo leaned on his shakujo. He watched as Sanzo's gun returned to its secret monk compartment and Goku's nyoi-bo quickly vanished. They would've fought the youkai anyway, but Gojyo still felt a little guilty.

Sanzo lit a cigarette. To Gojyo he said, "I thought I told you to get lost."

"Hey, I --"

Goku stretched and said, "Fightin' Gojyo's fight made me hungry. Can we get somethin' to eat, Sanzo?"

"Now, wait a minute --" Gojyo wasn't liking the way this conversation was headed.

"Only if the dumbass we had to rescue is paying."

"Well, yeah, I agree. Gojyo should buy me some meatbuns." Goku nodded.

"Look, I was minding my own --"

"A word, please, Gojyo," Hakkai said from behind.

Gojyo froze. Without even looking at Hakkai, Gojyo could tell he was angry. Really angry.

Sanzo glanced at past Gojyo and at Hakkai. He nodded once and then turned to Goku. "Let's go."

Goku's eyes flicked toward Hakkai. "Yeah. Hey, Sanzo, can I get some meatbuns at the festival?"

"Yeah, Gojyo can pay me back later."

"Yaaaaaaaay!"

Goku sprinted away off and Sanzo followed.

Gojyo gave Hakkai a quick look. Yeah, he was definitely making that scary face. Gojyo took an involuntary step back, intending to follow Sanzo and Goku. "Oh, hey, wait--"

"Not you," Hakkai hissed. "You and I are talking. Now."

Gojyo's weapon melted away. "Yeah? But what abo--"

Hakkai was next to him, body tense and eyes dark with fury. "Do you have something to tell me, Gojyo?"

The surrounding woods were terrifyingly quiet. No birds or insects made a sound. Not even tree limbs creaked in the light breeze that ruffled Gojyo's hair. It was as if the forest were holding its breath.

Gojyo scratched at his neck. "Yeah, I do need to tell you something. But I don't know how you'll react to it."

Hakkai waited, the nails from his interlaced fingers digging into his skin.

Swallowing, Gojyo shrugged and said, "It might make you really angry."

"Well, that would be an improvement. Because right now, I'm angry and I don't have a reason."

Gojyo thought about his situation. He didn't think Hakkai would hurt him. But then again, with the way Hakkai was glaring at him, he couldn't be sure.

"Really, Gojyo," Hakkai said as he rubbed his face. He looked tired. "You've been impossible for months, and I've quite had my fill of it."

They both stood still as statues until Hakkai's hand snaked forward to grip Gojyo's wrist.

"Ow. Hey." Gojyo stumbled, forced to follow behind Hakkai. "Where are we going?"

"Back to the room so I can heal you."

Gojyo didn't mention that Hakkai might have to heal a broken wrist if he kept squeezing the way he was.

They walked through town in tense silence as Hakkai held his death-grip on Gojyo's arm. At the inn, they filed past the desk and up the stairs. It wasn't until they were in their room that he finally released Gojyo. After closing the door with a soft click, Hakkai exhaled and then turned, leaning with his back against the door as he faced Gojyo.

"I'm sorry for making you so uncomfortable, but you need to snap out of this."

"You're sorry?" Gojyo wrinkled his brow as he rubbed his wrist. "Why would you be sorry?"

Hakkai's voice dropped low as he asked, "Your recent odd behavior is because of me, isn't it?"

"Um, well." Gojyo dropped his hands, but his fingers itched. He felt oddly exposed and vulnerable. "Sort of."

Hakkai nodded. "Yes. I suspected as much."

"But let me --"

"It was our talk on the bridge, wasn't it?"

"Well, not --"

"You started to act differently after that. Though, there was also Goku's transformation when I -- I suppose that might -- " Hakkai cleared his throat before he continued, "Since that day, it's been apparent that you've been struggling with something. It was never my intention to complicate our relationship."

Hakkai paused, waiting for a response as Gojyo frantically tried to make sense of what he was hearing. "Wait a minute, are --"

"Of course, I'm aware that it could be something else --"

Gojyo needed to collect his thoughts. Before he could think about his actions, he'd covered the distance between them and placed his fingers against Hakkai's mouth. "Quit talking for a minute, okay?"

Hakkai fell silent. He watched Gojyo with what looked like mild surprise but made no sound of protest.

Gojyo caught his breath and pulled his fingers back. The sight of Hakkai's soft, slightly opened lips beneath his fingers had been dizzying. And warm. And so fucking tempting. But now wasn't the time for this. Or was it? His thoughts were chaotic and he looked at Hakkai, hoping for direction.

Hakkai hadn't moved. He was studying Gojyo intently.

Cautiously, Gojyo placed his arms against the door to either side of Hakkai's head. They were close now, so close Gojyo could smell Hakkai's earthy scent mingling with his own -- becoming something new and erotic. Gojyo waited, gauging Hakkai's reaction, but Hakkai still didn't move. He didn't even blink. Hakkai seemed to be waiting, too.

Gojyo could feel a minor trembling in his arms, but it wasn't from exertion. He kept his eyes open as he slowly, so slowly, angled closer. He gently licked at Hakkai's lower lip, tasting him, and flavors rolled over his tongue. Tea. Ginger. Basil. And something exotic and savory -- something he felt like he'd been craving all his life. He tilted his head and slid his tongue along the inside of Hakkai's lip, eager to taste more.

Hakkai didn't push Gojyo away.

Gojyo's vision flickered with a kaleidoscope of colors. Unable to hold himself back any longer, he pressed his body against Hakkai's and gave him a real kiss. Gojyo still half-expected Hakkai to stop him. Through the dreamy haze of his growing desire, he watched Hakkai's eyes flutter closed. And when Hakkai's tongue slipped tentatively inside his mouth, time slowed as if measured in heartbeats.

The fingers of Gojyo's left hand touched Hakkai's too-soft hair, slid down the length of his arm, and curled around his side, finally coming to rest on the small of Hakkai's back. Their kiss deepened as passion began to vibrate between them.

Hakkai moved suddenly, grabbing and turning Gojyo, reversing their positions. Gojyo made a small noise of surprise when his back gently bumped against the wall. Hakkai's knee nudged Gojyo's legs apart and pushed against him. In response, Gojyo rolled his hips, dragging his already hard cock over Hakkai's insistent hipbone.

Gojyo hadn't expected this turn of events, not in a million years. He was pleased and a little embarrassed that he hadn't picked up on Hakkai's unspoken message. Although even now the thought didn't even make sense to Gojyo. While he considered his good fortune, Hakkai's hand slithered between them. With a dexterous flick of his fingers, he opened Gojyo's pants.

Gojyo was about to say something when Hakkai bit him on the neck. As the not-quite-pain channeled through him, he sucked in his breath. Normally he liked to be in control during sex, but this was Hakkai, an entirely new experience for him. If their first encounter wasn't happening the way he'd fantasized, well, that didn't really matter. He wasn't one to turn away a golden opportunity.

Hakkai pushed Gojyo's pants and boxers gently over his hips, careful of his erection. He shuddered as Hakkai caressed his exposed skin, slipping under his balls and fondling him gently. Hakkai's other hand rubbed over the wet tip of Gojyo's cock, slicking it, before he gave it a clasping squeeze down its length. Gojyo clutched at Hakkai's back and moaned. It was good, Hakkai touching him like this. It was more than he'd hoped for.

Gojyo shivered, trying to collect himself as he realized he wanted to touch Hakkai, too. Not to be outdone, he fumbled with Hakkai's pants, determined to give as good as he got. Gojyo slipped his hand inside and stroked Hakkai's cock, feeling the silky, rippling skin beneath his fingertips. Hakkai's fingers tightened and he rocked into Gojyo's fist.

Their start was awkward, clumsy even, but after a few tries, they managed to get their movements timed right. Gojyo couldn't decide what he liked more, touching Hakkai or being touched by Hakkai. He did know that the sounds they made -- the heavy breathing, the quiet moans, and the slide of wet skin on skin -- were incredibly sensual.

Gojyo knew he wouldn't last very long, but Hakkai's thrumming cock told him he wouldn't be alone. "Hakkai --"

"Yes." Hakkai buried his face against Gojyo's neck as his body tensed and shuddered. "Oh, yes."

Hakkai's warm come on Gojyo's hand was more than enough encouragement for him. White noise filled his ears and he leaned into Hakkai, giving in shamelessly early.

He was still panting when Hakkai untangled himself and stepped away. Gojyo slumped against the wall and closed his eyes. He heard water running, and then Hakkai was back.

"Are you feeling better now?" Hakkai asked as he ran a warm, wet cloth over Gojyo's hypersensitive, come-splattered skin.

"Yes. No," he exhaled. "Our first time together was supposed to be better."

Hakkai raised an eyebrow as he set the cloth aside. "So you've been thinking about this? About us."

"Well, yeah. For a while, now. Thinking about you has been driving me crazy, actually."

"I see." Hakkai tugged at Gojyo's arm and steered him toward the bed. "Is that a bad thing -- thinking about me?"

Gojyo sat on the bed's edge and laughed. "No, not bad. Just --" He didn't know how to explain it.

Hakkai paused as if unsure whether he should continue. "Are you bothered by the idea of having a relationship with me?"

"Not really."

Hakkai stared at him.

"Okay, yeah maybe a little."

"Oh." Hakkai frowned.

Gojyo hurriedly added, "But not because it's bad! Look, even though we've sort of been together for a lot of years, this part is something new for me, you know. For both of us."

Hakkai crossed his arms and waited.

Gojyo explained, "What we've had up until now has been great. Going further would change what we have, and I just didn't want to fuck anything up."

"And that’s what gave you pause?" Hakkai leaned forward and tugged at Gojyo’s shirt, exposing the nasty youkai bite on his shoulder. "Nothing else?"

Gojyo hissed when Hakkai poked at bite. "You know how I am, Hakkai. What I am. If I told you this was an easy change for me, you'd know I was lying."

"Hmm." Hakkai didn't sound convinced.

"Change is scary." Gojyo shrugged, causing a new pain in his shoulder. He winced.

Hakkai studied Gojyo for a moment before he said, "I suppose I can't argue with that."

Gojyo didn't know why, but when a greenish-yellow light burst from Hakkai's fingers and soothed his stinging shoulder, he relaxed. During the healing, Gojyo could feel the tattered, unguarded edges of Hakkai's emotions: relief, concern, and lingering desire. The last remnants of his anxiety dissipated with Hakkai's qi.

"Better?" Hakkai said.

Gojyo rotated his arm experimentally. "Yeah." He didn't mention that Hakkai's bite on his neck continued to throb.

"Good." Hakkai picked up the wet cloth and started to turn.

Gojyo grabbed Hakkai's wrist and pulled him back. Gojyo looked up as he caressed Hakkai's arm with his thumb. "Our first time should've been better."

"So you've said." Hakkai laughed. "I expect you'll make it up to me later."

"Oh, don't worry," Gojyo said as he released Hakkai and watched him walk into the bathroom with the towel. With a smirk he added, "I intend to."

Gojyo was about to say more when he heard Sanzo and Goku arguing on the other side of the door.

"No," Sanzo snapped. "Don't go inside, dumbass. Knock."

There was a gentle knock before Goku asked, "Hey, Hakkai, are you in there?"

Hakkai returned from the bathroom and folded to ground between Gojyo's knees. He stroked Gojyo's hair as he said, "Yes, Goku, I am." Hakkai tugged on Gojyo's hair, pulling his head to one side before licking at his bite.

"Um, you told me to tell you when dinner was getting close. They said in about half an hour."

"Ah, yes. We'll be there shortly." Hakkai bit again and Gojyo sucked in a breath with the fresh pain.

"Can we start without you if you're not?"

Hakkai nuzzled at Gojyo's neck before saying, "Don't worry, Goku, we'll be there."

Gojyo heard Goku run down the hall and Sanzo's grumble about noisy monkeys.

"You aren't going, are you?" Gojyo's voice cracked.

"Yes." Hakkai smiled as he stood up. "As are you."

Gojyo's stomach gave a loud growl. He smiled. "I guess I am." He reached into his shirt pocket and produced his cigarettes and lighter.

"Aren't you joining me?" Hakkai asked as he walked toward the door.

"Yeah, but first I want to take a shower. And shave."

"That would be very acceptable."

After the door closed, Gojyo smoked and considered what had just happened. He'd just had sort of sex with Hakkai, and his old way of life was officially over. In the end, letting go of it had been much easier than he'd ever imagined.


	5. Stage Five: Acceptance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the "switch chapter." Haha.

**Terminal Diagnosis**

 **Stage Five: Acceptance**

 

Gojyo strutted into the dining room with all the confidence he thought he'd lost. He was clean, smooth, and dashing. Collapsing fluidly into an empty chair next to Goku, Gojyo tried to give Hakkai his most seductive smile. But instead, when he met Hakkai's gaze of approval, he was overwhelmed with a sudden nervousness.

"It's about time!" Goku complained. "I thought I was gonna starve before you got here."

Glancing at the empty plates on the table, Gojyo said, "Looks like you've been doing all right, runt."

"Aw, those are just appetizers. Hakkai wouldn't let them deliver the main course until you showed up."

"Yeah?" Gojyo felt oddly shy as he gave Hakkai a fleeting look. Sanzo made a disagreeable noise.

Servers showed up and delivered plates and bowls of food. Goku was giddy over the sight and as usual, he didn't waste any time diving right in. The appetizing scents of good food caused Gojyo's stomach to rumble, but he didn't feel hungry -- not in the least.

"Here," Hakkai said, handing him a plate. "At the very least, eat a bit."

Gojyo accepted the loaded-down plate. "Okay, but only if you do, too."

"Ah, well. Fine."

"Yeah," Goku said to Gojyo around a mouthful of food. "Neither one of you have been eating much. Not since you've gotten so weird."

Gojyo started. "Who said I was weird?"

"All of us." Goku inhaled a spring roll.

"All of you?" Gojyo looked around the table. Goku nodded enthusiastically and Sanzo just glared venomously. Hakkai turned his eyes toward the opposite wall. Gojyo remembered his aggressive sparring with Goku, his odd conversation with Sanzo, his desperate avoidance of Hakkai, and finally, his complete withdrawal from all of them. He felt like an ass -- he'd made them all worry. "Yeah, okay. Well, all that's over now."

"Che," Sanzo grumbled, but it was only a half-hearted grumble.

Trying to cover his embarrassment, Gojyo concentrated on his food. He scooped up some rice and stuffed it in his mouth. It did taste good, and he was hungry -- at least, his body was. He was still chewing when there was a bump against his shoe. He almost pulled his legs back under his chair when he realized who had touched him. He looked up, but Hakkai gave no sign that anything had happened. Gojyo was about to dismiss the contact as an accident when Hakkai's foot touched him again -- running the length of his shoe and then curling around the back of his ankle.

His vision blurred and his pants were instantly too tight. How could his cock be hard from just a touch of Hakkai's foot? And not his foot, his _shoe_ , for fuck's sake. Gojyo wanted to laugh as he relaxed and embraced his crazy, consuming lust for one person. Under the table, Gojyo kicked off a shoe and slid his toes under Hakkai's pant leg. Across the table, Hakkai's eyes widened very slightly, but other than that, he kept his cool.

Gojyo's erection ached, teetering on the edge of uncomfortable. He forced down some more food, unaware of what he was even eating as he watched Hakkai and thought about what might happen later.

"Hey, ya stupid cockroach, did ya hear me?"

"What?" Gojyo turned his head toward Goku.

Goku rolled his eyes. "The fireworks! The guy in the common room told us they have a spot in the back where we can watch them! Sanzo's going, aren'tcha?"

"Not if you keep bothering me about it," Sanzo snapped.

"Aw, come on!" Goku looked at Gojyo again. "You're going, right? 'Cause Hakkai is."

Gojyo stared at Goku's smug smile. He wondered if Goku'd listened through the door earlier. Then again, Goku could be frighteningly observant; maybe he'd just picked up on Gojyo's feelings. Or Hakkai's.

Gojyo glanced over at Hakkai and said, "Yeah, I'm going."

A server appeared and began removing empty plates. Gojyo realized his plate was clean. "Hey," he said to the server -- a pretty girl with big eyes and big breasts. "Do they serve beer at the festival?"

She nodded and then gave Gojyo a big smile. "They do."

Sanzo lit a cigarette as Hakkai watched Gojyo and Goku continued to eat.

"What time do the fireworks begin?" Gojyo asked.

"Oh, they start in a couple of hours. Just about the time I get off work." She waited, as if she expected him to say something else.

"Thanks," Gojyo said as he rubbed his toes against Hakkai's ankle. She huffed and then walked away.

Hakkai turned his head away, but not before Gojyo saw the little smile.

"So, runt." Gojyo grinned as he turned his attention to Goku. "Maybe we should go check out the festival."

Goku's excitement was infectious. "Yeah, they might have those little sweet bun things!"

"You haven't even finished eating, you glutton!" Gojyo pulled out his cigarettes from his shirt pocket and lit one.

"Well, yeah, but not anything sweet," Goku complained.

"Anyone else want to go?" Gojyo asked.

Sanzo grunted. "They have beer, don't they?"

"Right." Gojyo smiled and pushed his toes further up Hakkai's leg. "Hakkai? What about you?"

Hakkai cleared his throat. "Well, how could I say no?"

Twenty minutes later, they were at the festival. Through the bustling crowd, the four of them wandered past the seemingly endless rows of colorful carny stalls. They stopped to watch Goku try his hand at a strength-testing machine, only to accidentally wreck it. And together, they witnessed Sanzo winning a prize at a gun targeting game, only to give the enormous stuffed toy to a young boy who was watching him. Goku's beaming grin expressed his pleasure at Sanzo's generosity.

Through it all, Gojyo and Hakkai stayed close to one another. Neither of them spoke and they didn't touch beyond the gentle jostling of the festival goers. Just being close was enough for Gojyo.

When they finally located the raucous beer garden, Sanzo abused his monkly powers and his gold card to get them a table. Goku diligently worked his way through his pile of accumulated sweets while the rest of them drank beer. They stayed until the sky darkened and the fireworks were about to begin.

"Well, I guess it's time to head back." Gojyo got up to leave.

"I'm staying," Sanzo said.

"Yeah?" Gojyo hesitated, glancing over at Hakkai.

Goku shook his head and said, "Didn't ya hear the waitress? She said you can see the fireworks from here, too."

"And you're staying?"

"'Course!" Goku scowled at Gojyo. "I'm close to the food stalls, here. I might get hungry."

Gojyo rolled his eyes.

"But I'll bet Hakkai'll go back with ya." Goku gave what looked like a knowing grin.

"You would be correct, Goku," Hakkai said as he stood up. "Shall we go?"

Gojyo almost sighed with relief.

Walking side-by-side back to the inn together held a dreamlike quality for Gojyo. He wasn't sure what would happen now, but he also realized that as long as he was with Hakkai, he didn't much care. And when they arrived at the inn, Gojyo silently followed Hakkai up the stairs to their room.

Hakkai didn't turn on any lights, but he opened the curtains to a glass-paned door. Gojyo hadn't even known the door was there. "The innkeeper told me that we can see the fireworks from our room. That's why I didn't put up a fuss about taking the smaller room with the balcony." As if to punctuate the owner's claim, the sky lit up with a bright white explosion.

"Oh," Gojyo said, unaware that there'd been any discussion about the room -- he'd been too interested in finding a place to sleep and feel sorry for himself. His embarrassment over his recent behavior returned.

A delayed crackling sound from the fireworks filled the room as Hakkai opened a cooler and held out a beer. "I got these earlier. Can you behave yourself while I take a shower?"

Gojyo stared at the offered beer. As usual, Hakkai had thought of everything -- but this time, his thoughts had been only for Gojyo. His fingers bypassed the beer, curling around Hakkai's wrist and pulling him into a kiss. Hakkai made a quiet, contented sound and kissed back, his free hand wrapping around Gojyo's neck and tangling in his hair. Their mouths opened and tongues intertwined, tasting and learning one another. Gojyo's hands slid lower down Hakkai's warm back, pressing him close, wanting to have maximum contact.

"Wait," Hakkai said as he pushed away. "I need to take a shower first."

"Want me to help?" Gojyo tried not to pant.

"I expect that would be counter-productive."

Gojyo's cock throbbed as he tried not to sound too anxious. "Yeah, okay."

Hakkai smiled at him and then exhaled as he said, "I promise to be quick."

"I won't promise the same." Gojyo smirked as he finally took and opened the beer.

Hakkai's voice held an obvious challenge as he left the room. "Yes, well, we'll see about that, won't we?"

Gojyo watched the bathroom door close behind Hakkai and felt that twinge of uncertainty again. He sighed as he stepped on to the narrow balcony, feeling a gentle breeze and hoping to cool his body down just a tad. There were two chairs outside, and if they wanted, they could sit outside and watched the fireworks. Gojyo didn't want to.

He returned inside and paced the room with nervous energy, taking a drink of beer while his other hand twitched. On the bed stand, he spied a bottle of lubricant, and on one of the beds, there was a neatly folded yukata. Yes, Hakkai had thought of everything.

Shedding his clothes, he put on the yukata, grateful to free his perpetual hard-on from confinement. Since there was only one robe in the room, he suspected Hakkai would return wearing one. The thought made him ache in anticipation.

Gojyo returned to the balcony with his cigarettes and sat down just as another series of the fireworks lit up the night. A gold and purple explosion filled the sky, and in spite of his anxiety, the colors and sounds grabbed his attention. He sat forward and draped his arms over the railing.

The night's dark canvas came to life again with glittering sparkles of green and red, soothing and warm. Flora and fire. Hakkai and --

"Gojyo?"

He was almost afraid to look over, unsure of his control. But of course, he did look. As he'd expected, Hakkai was wearing a yukata -- it was shockingly loose and open. His hair was still damp, and with each burst of fireworks, Gojyo could see tiny beads of water glimmer with reflected color on Hakkai's arms, legs, and chest. Gojyo swallowed.

"Um, did you want to --" He waved at an expanding chrysanthemum of white and blue over his head.

Hakkai smiled and disappeared back inside the room.

Gojyo practically jumped to his feet and padded after Hakkai, his cock throbbing in time with his footsteps. And when he stepped inside the room, Gojyo was certain his heart quit beating for a moment. Hakkai was on the bed and without his yukata, his arms over his head, his long legs stretched out, and his thick erection against his taut stomach. His toned body was like a sculpture, a work of art.

Gojyo's robe dropped to the floor as he joined Hakkai, sliding close, and for a moment not knowing where to start. Gojyo opted for touch first, reaching out and very gently caressing Hakkai's collarbone, following the line from shoulder to throat. Gojyo brushed two fingers under Hakkai's chin and stopped at a pulse point on his neck, feeling the wild beat of his blood and knowing it matched his own racing heartbeat.

He leaned closer, his mouth replacing his fingers, feeling the life-flow beneath his tongue. Hakkai moaned when Gojyo none-too-gently sucked at the spot. The sounds Hakkai made fueled Gojyo's desires. He repositioned himself, drawing closer, curling one leg over Hakkai's and pressing his wet erection into Hakkai's hip. Gojyo's palm and then fingertips touched a nipple, gently at first, until he finally pinched hard enough to cause Hakkai's body to arch.

When Hakkai relaxed back into the mattress, Gojyo slid on top of him, holding his weight on one elbow and his knees, but with enough contact for their cocks to touch. He licked at Hakkai's lips, wordlessly asking for and gaining entrance. He fell into the kiss, experiencing the texture of Hakkai's tongue and mouth.

Eventually, he broke their kiss and moved back and between Hakkai's feet. Gojyo stroked the top of Hakkai's foot, his ankle, calf and knee. They never knew what the next day would bring on their journey, and Gojyo was determined to make the most of this night, to learn all he could. He leaned over, hair brushing Hakkai's leg as he licked and kissed each thigh.

Hakkai's breathing increased and he clutched the bedding.

Gojyo crawled up Hakkai's body, nipping at hipbones and dragging his tongue along the vee of Hakkai's stomach. Gojyo paused long enough gently to kiss the ragged yet somehow sexy scar. Beneath him, Hakkai writhed, twisting his hips and angling his cock closer to Gojyo's mouth. Gojyo was pleased but ignored the movement. He kissed away from Hakkai's erection, stopping only to lick and bite at a stiff nipple and getting an impatient sound of frustration.

Gojyo's erection thrummed in response. He moved down Hakkai's body again. A flash of white light from the fireworks exposed pearly beads of come gathered at the tip of Hakkai's cock. Gojyo's mouth watered and he leaned forward, tasting clean skin and tangy pre-come.

Hakkai lifted his hips, following Gojyo's mouth. Gojyo couldn't resist any longer and he sat up, fumbling for the lubricant on the bedside table. Hakkai watched as Gojyo settled back between his legs. For a moment, they stared at one another in the dim light.

"Are you sure?" Gojyo asked.

An explosion of brilliant pinks and purples lit up the room again. In the fleeting light, one of Hakkai's hands reached up and traced the scars on Gojyo's cheek.

Something caught and swelled inside Gojyo's chest. He nodded his understanding, then opened the vial and slicked up his fingers. Fireworks bathed the room in red as Hakkai's legs opened, feet flat on the bed, inviting and urging Gojyo forward.

Gojyo lowered his head again and swallowed the length of Hakkai's cock. His lube-coated fingers slid past Hakkai's balls, swirling, and then one at a time, dipped shallowly inside. Hakkai's body tensed.

Gojyo focused. Humming and sucking hard, he pressed his tongue against Hakkai's erection, trying to get him to relax. After a few moments, Gojyo's gentle yet insistent fingers eased inside Hakkai's tight ass. Gojyo waited a few heartbeats and then rotated his fingers, searching.

Hakkai's breath caught and he raised his hips. "Ah."

Although his mouth was full, Gojyo tried to smile. This was what he'd wanted -- to make Hakkai lose control. Gojyo's fingers stroked, and he could feel Hakkai's cock expand and harden in his mouth. It wouldn't be long now.

"Gojyo," Hakkai's voice was hoarse and full of warning. His hands grabbed at Gojyo's hair, trying to still his movements.

Gojyo used his free hand to capture one of Hakkai's, giving a gentle squeeze of reassurance.

Hakkai loosened his grip on Gojyo but didn't release him. Instead, he rolled his hips, matching time with Gojyo's mouth. Hakkai groaned, deep and low, as his body finally trembled with his orgasm.

Gojyo swallowed what he could, enjoying the feel of Hakkai’s spasming cock in his mouth and throat. He savored Hakkai’s taste and licked him clean before removing his fingers and sitting back. Gojyo's caught his breath as he looked at Hakkai in his post-coital bliss. The sight of his sweat-sheened skin, his disheveled hair, and his half-closed eyes was a rare gift. It brought back that chest-swelling feeling again, an emotion he didn't really comprehend.

"Gojyo?" Hakkai's lazy sultry voice called to him. He ran his hand over his stomach and then propped himself up on an elbow. Gazing at Gojyo's cock, he raised and eyebrow and said, "Don't tell me you're done already."

The spell was broken, and Gojyo laughed as he retrieved the bottle of lube and snapped it open. "Hardly."

Hakkai sat up, took the bottle away, and poured a generous dollop in his hand. He reached forward and slid his hand along Gojyo's cock, coating it with the slippery stuff.

Gojyo groaned and his hips jerked forward. He'd been so preoccupied with staring at Hakkai, he'd almost forgotten how turned on he was. Almost.

After closing the lid on the lube, Hakkai settled back again and spread his legs. "I think it would be best if you continued."

Gojyo didn't need any further encouragement. He leaned close, positioning himself carefully, and pressed forward. Gojyo tried to ease in slowly through the narrow opening, knowing he was causing Hakkai some pain. And although sweat gathered on Hakkai's forehead, Gojyo was unable to resist sliding deeper inside and stretching him open.

Hakkai groaned and clutched at the bed sheets.

"Let me know when you're ready," Gojyo panted, his vision swimming with the exquisite heat clutching his cock. His hands held Hakkai's hips, thumbs caressing skin as he waited.

Hakkai exhaled and his body began to relax as a burst of fireworks bathed his features in a soft green. Gojyo always connected the calm color of green with Hakkai -- maybe it was because of his eyes or the qi he wielded.

Hakkai placed his hands over Gojyo's. "All right."

Calm. Gojyo pulled out an inch and slid forward again. Hakkai's breathing stayed even. Gojyo shifted again, this time a little further. And again -- each time pulling out a little further. He watched Hakkai, seeing him go from obvious pain to sighing with the gentle thrusts to moaning as his cock began to swell again. Gojyo took this as his cue and backed almost completely out of Hakkai before reversing direction and slowly re-entering him. The feeling was so good -- _so perfect_ \-- Gojyo lost his sense of time. It was as if his entire life pivoted on this moment, on the steady rhythm of in-out-and-twist.

Gojyo changed his angle, and beneath him, Hakkai moaned.

"There, huh?" Gojyo asked as his hand closed over Hakkai's renewed erection, pumping in time with his thrusts. Gojyo felt light-headed, and there was a coiling sensation in his core.

Hakkai made some nonsensical sounds and then wrapped his legs around Gojyo's waist.

"Yeah, me too," Gojyo managed to say through his near-delirium as he kept his cock aimed at the same spot inside Hakkai. Leaning over, Gojyo kissed Hakkai and then nuzzled at his neck.

Hakkai's body tightened, muscles flexing as his second orgasm approached. Gojyo moved his head close to Hakkai's ear and whispered, "Come on, Hakkai."

Explosions of blue and gold lit up the room as Hakkai thrust his hips upwards with his release, driving Gojyo's cock further inside. Hakkai's loud cry and the additional squeeze was all Gojyo could take.

Waves of pleasure, like the uncoiling of a spring, relayed throughout Gojyo's body -- lighting up his synapses like the fireworks in the sky. He moaned and pressed his cock deep, spilling his come inside Hakkai.

Gojyo was still panting as he rolled to one side and closed his eyes. "Wow." Colors of red and green lit up the room again. "I needed that."

Hakkai laughed and said, "Yes, you did. I think we both did."

Gojyo wanted a smoke, but he was too lazy to find and light one. They stayed unmoving next to one another as their bodies cooled and the fireworks finally ended.

"I wonder how long until Goku figures it out," Gojyo said.

"I expect he's way ahead of us."

"Yeah, he can be a sharp little bastard. He's probably told Sanzo, too."

"Yes, although whether Sanzo listened is more questionable," Hakkai said with a happy tone in his voice.

"Or cares."

"More likely, yes."

"Are you all right?" Gojyo opened his eyes and looked over at Hakkai.

"Yes, Gojyo, you were very careful. I'm fine," Hakkai said as he stood up. "But I need another shower."

Gojyo rolled to Hakkai's side of the bed. "Me too."

"Did you want to go first?"

"No." Gojyo reached out and took Hakkai's hand, and that chest-swelling feeling returned. All at once, he understood what it meant. "I want to go with you, if you don’t mind."

"Oh." Hakkai gave him a shy smile. "Then let's go."

Gojyo followed Hakkai into the shower. He knew without a doubt his life would never be the same.

And he was all right with that.

 

End.


End file.
